i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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