Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
