i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
