i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You pole danced in your parka.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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