Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he thought i was a dude.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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