I wish my penis had an off switch
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
