i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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