Princesses don't give blow jobs
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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