i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
