I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
