if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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