"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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