i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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