Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
