if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
wanna go halves on a baby?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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