girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
