about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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