Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
a search helicopter?!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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