i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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