Your face is a jimmy john
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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