He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
