Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
