i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
