found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
