i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
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Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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