so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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