When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
ugly people sure do ruin things
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
