id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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