Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
