after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
