The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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