I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
