i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
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I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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