this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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