his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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