Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
