so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
