Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
