So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
