what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
