So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
