does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
