I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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