i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
