if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
