Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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