Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
