I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
