oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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