I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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