dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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