So drunk its hurt
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
