I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
