mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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