the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
