No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
